Tension Building:

This is cyclic and almost predictable by the abused.  The individual becomes more and more controlling about all aspects of the life of the abused.  Anywhere to dictating the appropriate clothes to wear, how meals are to be cooked and how the house is to be cleaned.  The abused will have to be accountable for every aspect of her life: where was she, who was she with, what did she do, how much money was spent and so on.  Anything from the way she wears her hair, to how she prepares a meal will be judged and found fault with.  The harder she tries to comply and appease the abuser the more controlling he becomes until there is NO satisfying him.

Abuse:

Physical and mental abuse are both painful, and in fact having been the victim of both, there were times when I thought physical was shorter, and more easily recovered from.  Twisted not really if you have been there.  The abuser continues to look for reasons to justify his need to control you until it peeks and usually it is over something totally unbelievable.  I know I was put into a situation where no matter what the answer was it was going to be wrong, ALWAYS going to be wrong and I withdrew and stopped talking, communicating and looked for every excuse in the world not to have to initiate contact... it was a no win situation regardless of what I tried to do, or how careful I was. It was the point where either verbal or physical abuse was eminent.

"I am sorry":

If I got paid for every time I heard "look what you made me do", "I had a bad day at work", "I am not feeling well", "I didn't mean it", "I will never do it again", well I would be a wealthy woman.  So would every other woman in that situation if she survived.  Suddenly the guy that attracted her to begin with starts to show through and knows every button to push to gain forgiveness.  The release of the tension is almost immediate, his remorse seems genuine and promises are made and hope is instilled.  Meanwhile, the victim loses a bit more of self, in my case I would say to myself, "is it worth throwing away "x" amount of years of marriage, security and love?"  Each verbal event for me always lost out to that.  In the case of physical abuse I was isolated away from family, with no money and no transportation.  I was also very young in that circumstance and much more easily controlled.

The calm:

The abuser usually will find a way to sooth over his conduct, and places the victim on a pedestal, woos and courts her and a period of "calm" settles in until the cycle begins again.  That period seems to vary from abuser to abuser and from what I experienced or observed there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it.

The Cover-up:

"How come I didn't have a clue?"  Maybe even you have said this.  I will tell you why.  Because usually by the time you find out the person you knew has dramatically changed.  Unlike when we were girlfriends, best friends or sisters and close all the time, marriage, children and life in general tends to distance us.  In my case I denied it because it was my second marriage and I did NOT want to admit I had made a bad decision not once... but twice!  Make up covered up marks from the abusive relationship or basically he kept us moving around so that contact was very limited.  Until one day I escaped.  The second time it was simply a situation where I kept justifying the abuse.  Never having recovered from the first situation, the second just reinforced the negatives about myself.  Until one day he made the mistake of blasting off on me in front of his family.  The shock on their faces gave me the wake up call.  It took a couple of weeks after that to get my courage up... but I was free.

Coping:

This section deals with what happens when a woman doesn't get out, or in some cases when she gets out but has no support system.  It is extensive and has it's own page.  Please find the link on the table of contents "Coping Mechanisms".